Where there is Family, there is Magic

For those of you out there that scoff at the notion that there is magic in this world, I am here to tell you there is. I know this for a fact because my eight-year-old told me this morning while we were getting ready for school.

She had recently lost her sixth baby tooth, and for the second time in two years the Tooth Fairy missed collection and payment. The sad disappointment on my little girl’s face punched me right in the stomach. How dare that Tooth Fairy forget to reward my precious baby for her of hard work caring for those little teeth until her big girl set pushed them out!

“That’s it,” I exclaimed, “I am going to email that crazy old tooth collecting fairy the minute you get on the bus and let him know this will not stand!”

“HER, daddy. Girls have a girl Tooth Fairy and boys have a BOY Tooth Fairy.”

“Sorry, baby girl, daddy forgot. I’ll tell HER what for!”

I went on to blame her teething brother whom had woke that night in agonizing pain. Even expressing my own anger, blaming the Tooth Fairy for stealing all her brother’s pacifiers because we had prevented her from performing her Tooth Fairy duties. Her sad puppy dog eyes lifted from the floor and grew wide as her new bucktooth smile.

At dinner that evening, I updated my daughter on the progress I made with the Tooth Fairy. It turns out many children had lost teeth that day. She was overloaded and ran out of special coins to give them, but my little angel was the first on the list of stops tonight.

We made sure my baby girl had her box and note safely under her pillow when I tucked her in at bedtime. She hit me with that big smile and a thank you for putting the Tooth Fairy in her place.

The Tooth Fairy did not miss my daughter that night, and even compensated heavily for the mistake with three one-dollar bills, one gold dollar, one silver half dollar and two quarters. I don’t know what that crazy broad does with all those teeth, but it must be a lucrative business to be handing out that kind of cash.

My daughter’s jubilation this morning was well worth the extra effort to correct the Tooth Fairy’s mistake, and she told me something that brought me to absolute tears of joy. On the bus the day before, she told her friend that daddy and mommy were magic because we make all kinds of wonderful and fun things happen. When her friend argued there was no such thing as magic, she angrily spit back at him, “You don’t know, you have never even been to MY house!”

So I say to all the non-believers, I know for a fact that there is magic in this world. It can be found in family. Pay just a moment of attention to your children and listen close to what they have to say. Hearing my daughter’s story this morning was one of the little things that make parenting the most rewarding career I have ever had. Knowing that, despite our family being torn apart, trying cope with the separation and divorce while maintaining a loving environment, or staying strong against the many woes the world throws at us on a daily basis, my children can see wonder and magic in their parents.

If a little girl who has gone though so much in her young life like my daughter believes I perform magic, then I must be doing something right as a parent. And if your children see magic in you, even when the world is beating you down, then you are surely doing something right, too.

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How my life as a “Married Single” prepared me for becoming a Single Father

Before divorce became the ultimate conclusion to a turbulent nine-year marriage, I was introduced to a term I had never heard before—Married Single. My wife and I were attending a Marriage Encounters weekend in one of many attempts to repair our damaged relationship. On the second day of the weekend long relationship seminar, the collection of hosts started to discuss what it meant to be a Married Single. The term defines a marriage where one spouse in the relationship continues the same social behavior of a bachelor or bachelorette while the other spouse is left with all the domestic duties that come with a marriage.

This term resonated hard with me. Since the beginning of our marriage, my wife continuously exercised what she believed was her right to go out on almost a nightly basis the minute I entered the door from work. She felt entitled to socialize with her friends and drink at the bar whenever she desired. After working twelve to fourteen hour shifts, six days a week, I would be left to cook dinner, clean the house, and tend to our young children.

A vicious cycle grew from her sense of entitlement and became the center of constant argument. She justified her behavior to do as she pleased by claiming she was taking care of the kids during the day with no help or support from me, and refuted my defense that I worked long hours to provide for our family. My work, she claimed, was my social life and reason for my absence in the family. And so it went on for our entire first half of our marriage.

Eventually, the long work hours and the added burden of filling the domestic role at home because of the ever-growing absence of my spouse led to serious physical and mental health issues for me. The situation worsened when she decided to get a job of her own. The added stress of juggling my schedule around her new work and play schedule brought on a heart attack scare, which was later diagnosed as a massive anxiety attack. I had to make an important life choice, and this incident forced me to decide on a career change. I needed something I could do from home to make extra cash while allowing me to continue to perform the domestic duties of a stay-at-home parent.

Most men who find themselves in midlife crisis go out and buy an expensive sports car, or run away with a younger woman. Not me. I chose to put myself in $45k in student loan debt.

With my wife working full time and continuing to have an active social life, I chose to enroll in an online college program to develop my writing skills. It had been a lifelong desire to be a writer, a dream discouraged by many members of my very blue-collar family. Making this personal life decision did not set well with my wife, who expected me to get a “real job” so she did not have to support the entire household alone.

We found ourselves in a vicious cycle once more. While the position of housewife was considered a difficult job for her, my decision to become a househusband and return to college was viewed as an excuse to be lazy and a way to avoid my economic responsibility as a father and husband. It was a double standard I could not defend myself against. And so fighting went on, through two domestic violence charges against her, more counseling to try repairing the damage our family and marriage was suffering, and the addition of two more children to our growing household.

The addition of two more children, even with all the turmoil should have been a reminder of the love we had for one another. But my wife’s desire to be independent, as well as, her growing animosity for me attempting to follow my dream of becoming a writer was too strong. The tragic story of a once loving family ended with infidelity and substance abuse.

Our divorce will be finalized in a few more months. My wife has her new boyfriend, expecting a baby they conceived while we were still together, and a new life.

The transition from being a Married Single to a divorced father raising four children was a relatively easy adjustment. After all, I had been caring for my children with little help from my spouse. The toughest part has been tending to the emotional pain of having our family torn apart. I still feel the stabbing in my heart and the nauseating roll in my stomach every time I hear my ex’s voice or see her face.

My love for her is still there, and the wound she left on my heart is still open and tender. I miss what we had, but I know there is no way to ever get that back. What I have left from all this is the strong bond of love with my four young children, and a true understanding of what a “Married Single” really is.

The Daddy Double Standard

I admit that calling myself, “Mr. Mom” is a blatant misnomer. First and foremost, I am nothing like the bumbling laid off auto worker trying to adapt to the role of stay-at-home dad Michael Keaton portrays in the 1983 movie “Mr. Mom”, nor is the growing number of men taking on this most difficult of careers.

Yes, I said it. Homemaking is a career. It is the most difficult career I have ever embarked upon, and I have had some tough ones. It may not be the most physically demanding, but the mental fatigue is a killer, and you cannot fire or replace your children when they do not follow direction.

I left a two-decade career in the food service industry to stay home with my young children and take on a new career in freelance writing. I was already apt in handling daily domestic duties thanks to growing up an only child raised by a single mother who worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food in our bellies. It did not take long for my two little girls and I to settle into a wonderful routine. Not long after taking on my new role as homemaker, I started to notice what I like to call, “The Daddy Double Standard”, which is a collection of misconceptions and stereotypes a stay-at-home father is often subjected to.

After six years and two more kids, I comprised a list of the top “Daddy Double Standards”. People I’ve conversed with about town would praise me for my bravery bringing my children to the grocery store, yet whisper criticism of the mother a checkout lane over trying to manage her children. Those same people, and even some friends, would laugh and joke when they learned that I was a stay-at-home dad. “It must be nice,” they would jest, “to stay home and do nothing all day.” Even my ex-wife held firm to this belief and continually threw in my face that, “I had it easy,” and “she had to do everything”, despite seeing the truth. My ex claimed that staying home to take care of the kids while I returned to school so I could fulfill a life long dream of becoming a writer was nothing more than an excuse to avoid my responsibility to my family. She still continues to use this weak argument for throwing away nine years of marriage.

Though there are many more myths surrounding the stay-at-home father, here are the ones that bother me most.

Dads lack domestic skills.

This is the one I find the most offensive. Dads are incapable of doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or turning on a vacuum, much less pick up after themselves or the children. They wait for the wife to get home after a long day at work, like super woman swooping in to rescue the hopeless husband and helpless children from the growing mess that is slowly devouring them. Dad is never rewarded for what he did achieve in the course of the day, just judged on what did not get done or the unsatisfactory way said tasks had been completed. Every day felt like a line from an old country song because the house was never clean enough and dinner never warm enough for her standards.

Dads are all about junk food and takeout.

Meals were another big cause for argument between my ex and I. Anyone who has ever had a child over the age of two knows how absolutely picky their little appetites will become. And those sophisticated palates vary from child to child right on through their teen years. In my former career, I had prepared meals for tens of thousands of people from all walks of life. Never in my life had I received so much criticism for my culinary skill that I have from my own children.

So it became part of the routine to prepare special meals based on each child’s preferred tastes, and we repeated a lot of the same meals throughout the week. It saved a ton of fussing from them and spared daily frustration for me. And I did my best to provide a balanced diet. However great my effort was in meal preparation, the wife always had something critical to say about it.

Dads are “No work and all play”.

Not only did I have to combat the sorely overstated lack of basic domestic skills from my ex and others, I had to live with the constant criticism of how I handled structure and discipline in the daily routine of our household. Sure, we had plenty of playtime, especially before the children started to attend school and during the summer months. As they got older, using technology like my iPad or playing videogames became part of the daily routine. But these were earned privileges, not just a means of occupying them. Homework and chores had to be done first.

We also spent time reading, playing traditional board games, doing art projects, taking nature walks, and participating in physical activities like sports. Our free time has always been used as a new opportunity for my children to learn. I have taken the time to subsidize their education whenever possible, that is why my children excel beyond public school standards for their grade levels.

Dads are not nurturers.

This one I always call total bullshit when I hear it. Sure, dads are not physically soft and cuddly like moms. Mothers have sweet, soothing voices while fathers have deep, gruff tones. Mothers say things like, “It will be okay”, and fathers say, “suck it up”.

Sure, I have those tough daddy moments now and again. I am coarse, brash and loud when the children are not following direction or listening to me. I can lose my cool like any human being when my little gargoyles get out of control. But I am here to testify that I have wiped away a river of tears, kissed away the pain of many skinned knees, calmed the screams of a plethora of bad dreams, and love to rock even my oldest child while singing lullabies.

There is no greater joy in my life than my children. From the day of their birth, after I held each one, my eyes would not leave their beautiful faces. My heart attached to them, and I never wanted to let them go. It broke my heart when my last and youngest didn’t need daddy to rock him to sleep anymore.

Some closing words of wisdom

So, to all the fathers, and mothers, who take on the immense and often thankless duty of a full time parent; don’t let judgmental pricks bring you down. People judge when they cannot do. Remember, you are awesome!